Parenting With Love and Logic - Quick Reveiw and One Fatal Flaw

My first thought as I started reading this book was “No duh.” I got the feeling throughout that the book was written not for parents starting with a clean slate, but rather for (ineffective) parents dealing with specific issues with their children.

Some examples of the “common sense” tips include sticking to rules that have been set and removing misbehaving children from the store/restaurant/mall when they don’t listen.

Overall it wasn’t a bad read, so here’s the Good and Bad breakdown.

The Good

1. Putting yourself first sets a good example and will teach your children to put themselves first in life. Allowing your world to revolve around your kids will teach them to let others’ feelings come before their own. Not a good recipe for dealing with relationships and work dynamics later in life.

2. Don’t expect your kids to do what you don’t. If you don’t wash the dishes and make your bed on a regular basis, it’s ridiculous to expect your kids to do the same.

3. Always give kids two choices that are both acceptable to you. If they don’t choose one, choose for them. Examples include “Would you like to sit here and eat nicely, or would you like to play on the floor instead?” and “Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?” Personally, I’ve found the choice method works extremely well with my 4 year old niece.

4. For older kids, let the universe deliver consequences. If a child refuses to do his homework, let him worry about what the teacher says, and enforce any repercussions that come from the teacher and school. Letting the universe do the teaching means the parent isn’t always the bad guy, and it helps teach children to respect authority. Again, parents have to walk the walk. This means no calling in sick to work when you’re not really sick, etc.

5. The author no longer endorses spanking. The first edition of the book did, but after further research he has determined it’s ineffective.

6. Don’t force kids to attend church. Most kids like Sunday School when they’re younger, but it’s natural for them to lose interest in church when they’re older. This is likely due to boredom with the materials delivered (how many times do we need to hear the Baby Moses story?) and rebellion against the parents. Continue to present church as an option, set the example as a parent, “I really enjoy my Sunday morning time with God”, and let it go. Most kids will come back around. If not, find out what’s really going on - are there conflict issues, etc? Personally, my kids will be allowed to explore religion if they’d like, but we sure won’t be making Sunday morning trips.

The Bad

1. The author promises his techniques will work 100% of the time, and if not, it’s because the parent is doing them wrong. This is a cop-out.

2. Following the book’s guidelines, children aren’t allowed to wake their parents in the middle of the night if they’re scared. Parents are also instructed not to check under beds or in closets for monsters.

3. And finally, the Love and Logic method has one fatal flaw. It relies very heavily on using the next meal as leverage. Throughout the book, the author insists we let our kids go hungry if they’ve wasted their lunch money, slept too late for breakfast, or forgot to mow the lawn in time. In one case, a boy wasted his week’s worth of lunch money at a carnival and so did not eat lunch for an entire school week. He was given hearty breakfasts and dinners, but still. Teaching our kids to reward or punish themselves with food is a recipe for disaster – with obesity and eating disorders both on the rise, this is no way to handle discipline. I challenge Dr. Foster to rewrite the book without using meals as leverage (and I imagine he would have an extremely difficult time.)

So there you have it. If anyone wants to borrow the book, let me know.

More Than Zero

Coming up with extra money is a challenge for anyone adopting (or trying to become a parent in any way.) I’m trying quite a few things right now with the goal always being to earn “more than zero”. Because as long as I’ve earned more than $0, I’m headed in the right direction.

Other advice sites are a joke, recommending home equity loans (in this economy?) and church fundraising dinners (not an option for many of us).

Here’s a quick rundown of what I’m doing:

Refinanced my car loan – This is the biggest one so far, shaving $100 a month off my payment.

Renegotiating student loan payments – This one’s a work in progress. I figure I’ll be paying them off the rest of my life anyway, so might as well save a few bucks for the cash flow each month.

Reexamined tax withholdings – I got a copy of my latest paystub and sat down with last year’s tax return and some tax calculators and determined that withholding only 1 on my W4 was overkill, so I’ve changed withholdings to 2 from now till the end of the year. Not sure how much that will give me every two weeks, but it will be more than $0, and that’s good.

Opened an eBay store – This one’s a shot in the dark, but I opened an eBay store featuring items for babies and pets. I’m following the old strategy of “buy low, sell high”. Not sure if I’ll make any money, but I shouldn’t lose any either. The commitment is only 30 days. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Ads on my blog – You probably noticed the ads on the left side of this blog. No fake clicks, please! But if you really see something that piques your interest, by all means, click to learn more. I earn a small amount of money every time an ad is clicked.

Exploring second jobs – My first night out with the canvassing job wasn’t anything to write home about, but the schedule is flexible and I did earn more than $0. I’ve also been in touch with local companies about one-day gigs and promo hosting for special events.

Keeping a Roommate – As fun as it would be to live alone and have that second bedroom to get ready, I have to be realistic that it could be two to three years before I’m placed with a child. And every year I have a roommate saves me $4,620 in mortgage payments.

If you have any ideas I haven’t mentioned here, please share them in the comments! Hopefully they can be of help to other prospective parents surfing the web for ideas.

Back to School

Today I started the first of 4 classes I'll be taking this week as part of my home study requirement: Conspicious Families, The Journey of Attachment, CPR/First Aid and Happiest Baby on the Block. (P.S. Someone should tell St. Al's that just because I signed up for a class doesn't mean I'm pregnant...hello junkmail!)

I just completed the Conspicious Families course online, which goes over racial stereotypes and how to prepare for comments that will no doubt come from others. The course was written by adoptees and some of the remarks were unreal...but I suppose I will hear my fair share of them if I am placed with a non-white baby. I learned that I prefer "informational" or "privacy guarding" responses, for example, "We're an adoptive family" and "Why do you ask?" respectively. And I learned that I may have no sense of humor when it comes to insensitive questions. (See image.)

My Take on Tonight's Adoption Story

The Today Show and Dateline are both covering this today, but here’s the short version:

Guy gets his girlfriend pregnant at 19, and she tells him she’s going to keep it. When she goes into labor, the boyfriend isn’t notified and by the time he finds out, she’s already left the hospital and the baby has been given up for adoption.

Sometime later he learns the baby has left Virginia and was adopted by a couple in Utah. By then, the father’s 20 days to claim rights have passed, so he’s out of luck. 

Should both states have required the father’s permission to place the baby for adoption? Absolutely. And it’s awful that the girlfriend didn’t give him the chance to be a father.

Now, the little girl is 2 ½ and the father continues to fight for custody, even though he’s never met her. And the kicker? He’s back together with the baby’s mother! She also wants the child back but acknowledges that she gave up her parental rights.

The father vows to take his case all the way to the Supreme Court, but in my opinion, the girlfriend is the one he should be suing. She’s the one who hid from him during labor and left the hospital before he could get there. Cases like this make me so mad. Irresponsible, dishonest people trying to disrupt the life of a little girl living happily with her family.

I can haz donation?

Tonight I went to observe fellow canvassers at my new part time job. Even though I'm the last person who needs to be taught how to canvass, I wanted to be a good sport. 

The organization offers transportation and I thought that was nice...till I saw the ride. It's an old minivan with peeling paint, doors that won't open, windows that won't close and seats bursting with yellow foam. If that thing pulled up in my neighborhood, there's no way I'd fork over cash to its inhabitants. 

The guy in charge (who I'll call J) seemed nice and normal, despite looking far less than professional. He wore a sweaty gray shirt, frosted jeans and had a large sore on his bottom lip. He also smoked heavily until we reached the upper class Eagle neighborhood. Still, I wanted to give him a chance. I heard he was one of their best fundraisers. 

And then the first door opened. J turned into what I can only describe as a special needs individual on crack. Everything about him was bizarre - the words he chose, his intonation, the way he moved his head and the way he rhythmically rocked from his heels to his toes and back. 

What's worse, I could tell that each person who answered a door thought the same thing. I could see the pity in their eyes as they'd cock their heads slightly, no doubt thinking "Aw, it's nice someone gave him a job." Either that or "Holy crap get this crackhead off my porch!" just before closing the door. 

After a dozen doors of rejection, we finally came upon a family hanging out in their front yard. The mother took pity on J and said "We'd love to donate. Girls, would you each like to give him a dollar?" Score, two bucks. 

J's performance was so embarrassing, I decided to call it a night. But despite all this, I still plan on working for the company. They're totally legit and provide an extremely important service to the community, and top canvassers earn about $25 an hour. So it's still worth a shot. I'll just head out on my own next time. 

Anemic?!

My required blood panel came back yesterday, and everything was good except that I'm apparently "severely anemic." My doctor explained my levels are only at 9 and some docs recommend transfusions when patients drop to 7. This comes as a complete surprise to me considering I sleep well, eat well, exercise regularly, drink little caffeine and have no issues with fatigue or exhaustion.

So my options are to eat multiple bags of spinach every day or take an iron pill. I started with a slow-release OTC formula to see how my stomach handles it, and Walgreens should have an Rx version for me later today. So far my mouth takes like metal. Ick.

6. A. Describe Yourself Using Adjectives

If you want to have strange dreams, write your autobiography right before bed!

I received my home study packet over the weekend and even though I knew largely what would be in it, it’s still a little overwhelming. I got my autobiography done, then stalled out when I looked at all the forms asking how I’ll discipline and what types of conditions I’d accept in a child (if any.) More thought needed before I can fill in those lines. The autobiography was a breeze considering how heavily outlined it was, but the last question asked who would take the child in the case of my premature death. Hadn’t thought about that one.

I’ll also need at least 10 hours of classes, so I signed up for CPR through the American Cancer Society and Happiest Baby on the Block through St. Al’s. They were kind enough to charge me $15 instead of “$30 per couple” as their website states. 

This morning I went to get fingerprinted for my background check, and now I need to call my doctor and remind her to send my physical results to the agency. I also need to get my recommendation letter forms sent out (still deciding who to ask) and register for an online course for parents open to transracial adoption. Oh, and follow up about my new second job. And start an official receipt folder for adoption-related expenses. And set up a deep-cleaning schedule for my house (then actually clean). Yikes.

Growing Babies and Selling them for $100k

It's so infuriating to read stories like this one. At least three women were involved in a surrogacy baby-selling ring that involved creating babies they'd then sell for $100,000 or more. There's so much exploitation of people who want to be parents...it's unreal.

Getting CA Involved

Because it's been fewer than 5 years since I lived in California, I have to pay a small fee for CASI to pull a report on me from the state. I'm starting to think that having a home study done may rival being vetted to work for the Obama administration!

The Kohl's Group Interview: Slice of Life

Even though I have a pretty promising second job lined up, I didn't want to flake on my Kohl's interview tonight. So I went to the Hilton Garden Inn fully expecting a group interview, and that's exactly what I got. They have 1200 interviews to conduct and hundreds of people to hire by next week, so there's no time to waste. 

We all filled out packets of paperwork before being herded in groups of 10 to a stripped-down hotel suite (no bed, extra chairs), where we all answered the same generic three questions in front of everyone else.

Pride, swallowed. 

The people in my group came from all backgrounds including a first time job hunter, a city employee, two failing small business owners, a very young woman who just had twins, a landscaper, an older woman tired of her current retail job, and two young women who had recently left jobs caring for the elderly. 

They all had one thing in common - they wanted a job. Any job. Any hours, any pay. Their desperation was palpable and I wished they'd read up on interviewing tips before they got there. It's okay to have a preferred department - it shows passion about some aspect of retail, at least. It's much less appealing to an employer to say "I'll do whatever."

They're going to extend job offers by phone and rejections by snail mail. Will I make the cut? (And will I want the job?) 

You Know You're on the Right Path, When...

The universe keeps telling you so.

I had my first second-job interview yesterday and it sounds awesome. I'd be going door-to-door on my own schedule to solicit donations for a highly popular art program that provides classes and art supplies to local kids and paints murals around town. They've even offered to pay me a little extra to help manage their social media presence. So, I can work as many or as few hours as I'd like, and Jayda can even come with me. I can't think of anything that could be a more perfect fit right now. (After political canvassing, this will be a cinch!)

Last night I went on a nice date with a great guy who I'm pretty sure doesn't know that I want to adopt. (The new Meridian Flatbread is really nice, btw.) I found myself wondering what he'd think about it, if he'd even care this early on, if the relationship might go anywhere...

Then this morning I learned that a good friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's only a couple years older than I am and shared the advice, "...seize the moment, seize your life… enjoy the beauty and waste little time on the negative around us." Ha. How silly of me to worry about what some guy might think about what I want to do. Life is too short to keep waiting!

Easy, So Far

Hard to believe in this economy, but I already have three interviews scheduled for possible part-time work. Each one is related to jobs I’ve held in the past – retail, door-to-door canvassing and real estate marketing. I’m hoping to find something fun, flexible and low-stress.

Also, my lady doc was able to do everything needed for my pre-adoption physical yesterday during a routine appointment, so I’ve gotten most of that out of the way. Adoptive parents have to have everything checked, from eyesight to liver function and even an HIV test.

They also require 10 hours of education (with special classes if you’re going to adopt outside your race), but I’ll get into that more in another post. It sure would be nice if we had these sorts of requirements for everyone who had children!

Thinking About a Second Gig

This weekend as Andrea and I waited to get on the river at Barber Park, she blurted out, “A baby! What are you going to do with a baby? You’re always so busy!”

True, but that’s because I keep myself busy. I can carve out time when I need to, and in an effort to save even more money I’ve started looking into possible second jobs. I have an interview with the new Kohl’s store next week and applied for a few other part-time opportunities as well. Kohl’s might not want someone who only wants to work a short shift or two per week (and I hear the pay is really low) but it’s worth looking into. I can only hit up my friends for donations so many times. :)

That said, a local wine shop has agreed to host a private wine tasting in September, so those who want to attend can make a donation and sample some great wines (and cheese and chocolate.) Stay tuned for details!