The Wrong Kind of Praise

This weekend Felix and I were thrift store shopping when we ran into an acquaintance we hadn’t seen since last spring. She was working so we chatted briefly about Halloween costumes and the perfect Fix-It Felix shoes I’d just found for $2. She leaned down to Felix and told him how big he was getting, then got a really serious tone in her voice and said to me, “Well, good for you. Really, it’s just so great you’re doing this.”

At first I thought, Umm, most parents shop for their kids’ Halloween costumes…then I realized she meant the adoption. Almost like I’d volunteered to dog walk for the local shelter, or collect cans of food for the food bank. I didn’t know what to say so I just sort of ended the conversation with a smile and “Well, good to see you!”

Later that night, someone shared a related blog post in my online adoption group. There’s a “Christian Adoption Movement” that has backfired in some ways. For example, parents wanting to save children from poverty in Guatemala led to healthy, wanted infants being stolen from their mothers and sold on the black market, which eventually led to ban on U.S. residents adopting from Guatemala. The author sort of vents and doesn’t make her case clearly in some areas, but the general sentiment is correct. People should adopt because they want to be parents, not because they want to “save” a child from the life he or she was born into. When parents go into savior mode, they are often disappointed by the lack of reverence and gratitude the “saved” children display.

I think some hopeful adoptive parents feel selfish saying they want to adopt simply because they want a child. They feel like they should have other motivating factors (like saving a sick or unwanted child from poverty), and this makes them feel like they should be open to any type of child or birth situation, even the ones truly outside their comfort zones. And then you end up with extreme cases of older children being returned to their home countries because the adoptive parents couldn’t cope, and couldn’t figure out why their love wasn’t enough to overcome.

I didn’t save Felix from anything. I don’t consider his adoption a charitable action, and it makes me really uncomfortable to receive praise for it. I adopted because I wanted to be a parent, and I had very specific limits on situations I would consider. I definitely had to get over the guilt factor of excluding certain situations on my agency application, but I’m glad I was honest with myself and didn’t fall into the “savior trap”. Felix’s birth mom was unbelievably strong and generous to place him with me. She never said why, just that she knew he’d be in good hands (her words). I figure she knew she was at her limit with regard to parenting, probably from a resource standpoint. But she wasn’t homeless or crazy or a teenager or any of the other things people might assume about birth moms. It was her choice to place him, and there was no shortage of love for him.

So, what is the right kind of praise to give an adoptive parent? The same kind of praise you’d give any other parent. Tell me about how sweet my son is around babies, how he pointed out that airplane you totally would have missed, how it’s amazing (and I’m lucky) that he can sleep anywhere, or how patient and quiet he was on the airplane, or bus or while waiting in line for the Space Needle. Tell me you’re impressed by the fact that we eat dinner together (almost) every night and my son has clean clothes every day, even when I’m wearing my work-provided logo shirt because I’m out of clean laundry. Those are the times I will smile and say “Thanks!” 

You can check out the aforementioned post here: http://rachelsblatherings.blogspot.com/2011/06/so-you-want-to-adopt-please-dont.html

Mini Updates

Running – Felix has been practicing running lately. He’ll find something soft like the couch or a blanket, then “run” as fast as he can toward it until he crashes. It’s funny and he’s happily exhausted after about half an hour. Sometimes he’ll run and crash into me instead.

No time for pictures, gotta run!

Independence – More than a week ago, Felix decided he doesn’t need me to rock him to sleep anymore. After brushing teeth and reading stories, he gets squirmy and pushes off me. So I started laying him in his bed where he stretches out and falls asleep without a peep.

Moving – Listing my house has been postponed another 6 months. Financially things are good, but I hope to be even better off this spring. I’m also concerned with the lack of inventory right now (there are virtually no houses I’m excited about) and a neighbor has been trying to sell his place for a couple of months with no luck. Granted,his townhouse smells like cigarette smoke, but I still feel like the market has slowed down as it always does this time of year.

Cleaning – I cleaned and “staged” every room last week to get listing photos while the trees are still green, and decided to start a cleaning schedule as well. So far, so good. It’s nice to come home and know I only have to tackle one room because the others will get their turns. Before, I’d go into cleaning mode and end up in a never-ending night of laundry and dishes with Felix feeling ignored. We’ll see how long it lasts. I also bought a Groupon and scheduled the company to come next week and do a deep clean in the kitchen and bathrooms. 

School – Class continues to go really well. I think I accidentally chose the perfect time to start teaching. The days are getting shorter, so I’m more likely to want to stay indoors after work, and Felix goes to bed around 8, leaving me with plenty of time to prep lessons and grade papers. I’m getting to know my students better and I’m figuring out how to fill class time and keep them interested. Last week we analyzed the sales pitches in an episode of Shark Tank and some students actually high-fived each other when I announced what we’d be doing that day.

Halloween – I’ve decided to be Lois Griffin for Halloween this year. Two years ago I couldn’t decide between Lois and Meg, but went as Meg, which was a huge hit. I found an awesome Stewie doll to carry around and it will be here in a few days. Felix is going as Fix-It Felix and his cousin will be Wreck-It Ralph from the Disney movie. Now we just need to line up some parties so we can wear our costumes more than once.

Hanging out at the mall playground.

Bonus Summer Days

All is well here. So many friends and fellow SMCs are dealing with unfair sh*t right now, I think I'm developing a form of survivor's guilt. It seems frivolous to post about "nothing", but I'm very thankful all I have is nothing!

After a summer of record heat (70 days over 90 degrees), it continues to be very warm here. The air has cleared from earlier fires, so I've been able to get out for more bike rides and walks in the evenings. Felix and I have enjoyed a number of days where we drive downtown, park, and wander the city for a good part of the day. Between festivals, markets and sporting events, there's always something to do.

My parents got us a ticket to the game Friday night, and we had a blast! It started out hot, hot, hot, rained during halftime, and ended with a gorgeous dark blue sky (and a big win for BSU.) Felix did amazingly well, sitting patiently with us and even napping during the first quarter. Seriously, the kid can sleep anywhere.

Grandma was there too, my arm just wasn't long enough!

Grandpa putting a hoodie on a rain-soaked Felix.

No filters needed when you live in Boise.

I also took Felix bowling for the first time this weekend, and after pushing the ball once, he wanted nothing to do with it. Every time it was his turn, he'd melt into a whiny pile in my arms and refuse to go near the ball. He spent his time toddling around the video arcade and eating tater tots. Hmm. Who knows! Maybe we'll try again in 6 months.

I'm still on the fence about selling my house, but will decide during the last week of September whether to list now or in the spring. There are pros and cons either way, but this weekend I cleaned, staged and started taking pictures while there are still leafy trees outside the windows. Just two rooms (and the uninspired exterior) left and I can check that off my list.

Eating a muffin with a fork - he asks for silverware at every meal now.

And finally, in a remarkably quick turn of events, my friend with breast cancer is 99.9% cancer free! :) She's going through some radiation to reduce the odds of recurrence, but no further surgery or treatment will be required. If you need some motivation to stay on top of your own breast health, check out her latest post. (My mammogram came back a-okay, fyi.)

The C Word

A second friend of mine has been diagnosed with breast cancer. And by friend, I don't mean 60-year-old friend of the family. I mean someone roughly my age, and that's pretty damn scary. Thankfully she is extremely proactive, knew her risk factors and voluntarily met with a genetic counselor, so it was caught very early and treatment should be simple. But still. This shit is real.

Another friend diagnosed last year had a rare, aggressive type that they treated with tons of chemo and radiation, plus a double mastectomy. She came through it all like a champ, but I'm not sure how many years need to pass before she will officially be considered in the clear.

The "1 in 8" stat has always sounded scary, I just didn't think the 1s would start in my thirties.

By chance, my first mammogram is scheduled for tomorrow. Thankfully my risk factors are extremely low, and my doctor just wants a baseline now for future reference. It's covered thanks to Obamacare, so why wouldn't I? I did some research today on what to expect, and the #1 fear people have is that it will reveal a serious problem. That's a silly (and perhaps eventually self-fulfilling) reason not to go.

__________________________

In Felix news, he's doing as great as ever. He's a confident walker and even tries running sometimes. He's starting to say words with multiple syllables, like water, bubbles and banana. Yazmin says he told her thank you many times today, and I've heard a few "tay-cues" myself. He always likes to whisper new words the first few times, then ends up shouting them when he gets really excited. Last night I took a couple of bites of his banana, and the ripeness made me squirm and do a little dance (I prefer green bananas). Felix thought that was just hilarious and started shouting BA-NAH-NAH! BA-NAH-NAH! with a huge silly grin on his face.

He brought me ponytail holders, so he got ponytails!

Grandpa and Baby Bed Head at an early morning hot air balloon launch (on game day).