Single vs. Single

We had an interesting and somewhat heated discussion on my SMC list recently. The topic was single parent stats, and how it’s usually reported that kids from single-parent homes do worse in school/get into more trouble/become teen parents/scary stat of the week.

I have to admit I get frustrated with SMCs who get upset about these reports. I think they take them too personally. There aren’t enough of us to dent the statistics, and sadly, the number of parents in the home can still be an accurate predictor of a child’s success in some cases. But it doesn’t bother me because I know I’m not part of the single parent demographic they’re referring to when they talk about expected failures. In fact, I've never been able to indicate on a form that I’m a single mom by choice, so I know I'm not being counted. (Even Felix’s birth certificate says “unknown” in the Father space, because there is no other option.)

So far, I think I'm doing an OK job!

I also argue that we should look at education levels, income, community/extended family and overall stability of the household to predict success. Single, coupled, straight, gay, cohabitating doesn’t matter as much as those other factors.

Some of the moms on the SMC list took offense to me saying I don’t lump myself in with other single parents, because aside from age and marital status, I don’t have anything in common with them. And the truth is, I don't want to call attention to the fact that I'm a single mom because of all the baggage that comes along with it. In professional settings, I don't mention my son because I'm not wearing a ring and I've experienced the negative consequences of other people's assumptions. One SMC argued we should "stand up and be counted", but I don't see the point in that. I'm not going to martyr myself for statistics. I'd rather influence those I meet one by one and save my public voice for other matters. 

I looked into a single parent Meetup group in my area and the group description echoed what I’ve heard from my friends who are single parents (not by choice). They struggle with separation, divorce, unpaid child support and missing their kids when they’re away. They also have different priorities, like coordinating their weeks off so they can go to Vegas or on a cruise, or downtown drinking and dancing. To each her own, but statistically it is not accurate to consider us the same types of families. And that’s not even considering the financial support other single parents get (or need or expect) from their exes. 

Hence not getting worked up about reports that tell us how damaging single-parent households can be.

Anyway, Felix and I finally attended a single parent family Meetup event last weekend. I tried to strike up conversations with a few people but no one was very talkative – certainly not like my babies & tots Meetup group I love so much. Two people sitting right next to my blanket talked to each other the whole time and didn’t ever ask me anything. They were talking about someone’s daughter meeting her dad’s new girlfriend and how difficult that was, so I didn't chime in. I kept glancing over thinking they’d change the topic and introduce themselves, but no luck. So Felix and I ate and swam and had a decent time. Ironically, I received about 8 electronic “It was nice to meet you!” messages through the website after the event, from people I hadn’t actually met. I thought that was odd. Then last night I received a notice that I’d been removed from the group. Okay then! I guess I was supposed to “like” everybody back through the website?

Fortunately we aren’t lacking for family and friends so it not a big deal. We just had a wonderful mini-vacation in Seattle made possible by our amazing network. I’ll blog about that adventure soon!

The Year of Opportunity

Last January I couldn’t come up with any resolutions, so I decided to call 2013 the Year of Opportunity. So whenever I balk at the idea of something new because it’ll be too hard, too risky or will take too much time away from Felix, I make myself consider it anyway.

Ride-Along Fitness was my first big project, but it never really took off. I handed out nearly 200 invitations to our opening class, but that night was windy and 55 degrees and only one person showed up. The well-connected trainer I hired later admitted he didn’t even know how to share a Facebook post, so he wasn’t able to help advertise. Then I ran a Living Social deal, but it appeared next to a deal for an indoor kids' gym, so everyone went there and not a single person came to my website. Around the same time, the trainer’s mother became very ill and moved in with him and his family, so he had to bail. I also heard every excuse in the book from people who came to class and loved it, but wouldn’t commit to a regular exercise program. (The saddest was an overweight mother and her overweight teen, but I won’t get into that.) 

Anyhoo, the universe repaid my risk-taking with some fun and lucrative freelance projects, so it all evened out. And last week an even better opportunity presented itself. I applied for an adjunct teaching position at the local U, and was offered the job within about a week. I’m really excited about the opportunities to reconnect with my professional network (guest speakers!), boost my knowledge and performance in my full-time job and of course, spend time in the classroom. It’s something I’ve always enjoyed.

I almost didn’t apply for the class, assuming the hours would be inconvenient and the workload would be unmanageable. Fortunately I had an SMC friend to turn to for advice – thanks Jen! The class hours turned out to be perfect and will only mean a little extra time away from Felix, and he’ll get to spend most of that time with family. I’ll also have near total autonomy over my class, thereby controlling the workload as needed.

Ironically, my dad’s going back to school this fall for his PhD and we may see each other on campus on Wednesdays. And as excited as I am for another first day of school, I rejected my mom’s offer of "a new outfit" and I will not be taking a photo of myself wearing a backpack standing by the front door. Sorry! :) My backpack has become a diaper bag and I don’t need to increase the odds I’m mistaken for a student. (It’s a bit awkward when you’re at the front of the room and a student assumes you’re just up there waiting for the teacher.)

Do I have to shop here now?

Classes start in just over three weeks, and we have a trip to Seattle and another camping trip before then. Time to get busy enjoying what’s left of summer! I’ll leave you with a picture of Felix eating yogurt from a tube.

He kept flipping it over to see if he could eat from the closed end.

New Things

Felix does so many new and cute things lately, I feel like I'm always reaching for my camera (and filling up my friends' newsfeeds.)

He can find his belly button...

...and point to it.

He can find kitty claws one-by-one.

He can sit (mostly) nicely for dinner in a restaurant.

He can dance with older kids at an outdoor festival.

He can play outside 30 seconds after waking up in the morning.

He can vroom his truck across the whole yard.

He can do downward dog on a moving swing (sometimes without hands!)

He can (try to) eat pudding with a spoon.

He can make a phone call with anything next to his ear, like this flashlight.

Here's a short video of him answering the remote control. We're having a lot of fun at this age!

Fire Camp!

This weekend we had another big family camping trip lined up. A few wildfires started last week after thunderstorms moved through the area, so we considered canceling. But after looking at some maps and talking to the ranger, we decided to go for it. The air quality in town was pretty bad due to another fire, so we wouldn’t have been able to do anything outdoors, anyway.

Felix and I headed up on Friday afternoon. The smoke was visible about an hour outside of town, and kept getting thicker as we approached the campground. As I set up our tent and made dinner, the people across from us decided to pack up and leave. Choppers were passing overhead one after another, and it made for a pretty eerie evening.  I kept a smile on my face and happily pointed to the sky saying, “chopper!” whenever one flew over, so Felix wouldn’t get scared. The air smelled clear, so I figured the smoke only looked thick due to the angle of the sun.

On our way...

Still a few miles from the campground.

Gourmet dinner!

We fill up a site pretty well.

Thankfully it didn’t get worse, and a couple of hours later, Brian, Jill and baby Vienne arrived. She broke the family record for earliest camping trip at just 3 weeks and 5 days old! It was so cute to see her using the same Rock N Play at the site that Felix did just a year ago.

My parents and older niece arrived well after dark and got set up. By morning, the smoke had cleared and we enjoyed a wonderful breakfast around the campfire. Later we hiked the Warm Springs Trail to where an official Fire Camp was set up – a massive operation. Trucks, air-conditioned tents, helipads, you name it. We even got to see a helicopter with a bucket of water pulled from the river on its way to the fire. The fire was growing, but the wind was blowing in our favor.

My dad, the former fire fighter, explaining all the gear to us.

We got back to camp around noon, had a leisurely lunch and went down to the river. Felix loves every minute of being in or near water. In addition to throwing rocks as usual, he liked walking (with help) along the riverbank and standing on partially-submerged rocks. 

After all that fun, it was the hottest part of the afternoon. The campground was virtually empty, which is something I’ve never seen on a Saturday. We dragged ourselves back to the campsite and chased the shade nearly into the next site. Finally we checked the time – 2:15. Doh! Four hours till the heat of the day would pass…so my niece grabbed wet wash cloths, a mirror and comb, and walked around giving us all spa treatments. We also played Pictionary in the dirt with her walking stick.

Cool washcloth, shoulder massage and hairdo. He's not exaggerating, it really felt amazing!

The rest of the trip was perfectly uneventful. Lovely dinner, soak in the hot springs, Dutch oven peach cobbler, decent night’s sleep, lovely breakfast, nice hike, and a quiet drive back to Boise.

In the hot springs, next to an icy cold river. (This is his new fake smile face.)

Felix and I are staying busy close to home until our trip to Seattle in a couple of weeks. Time to clean my feet and find some shorts without holes in them…

Oh, and Felix started walking this week! He took his first steps last Tuesday, and will often take quite a few in a row when encouraged. He always gets a huge, exhilarated grin on his face when he’s successful.

Yellin' in the camper with grandma.

Mommy's Little Helper

Felix loves helping me rotate the laundry. He pats down the lint filter after I clean it, takes the wet clothes from me and throws them in the dryer, adds a dryer sheet (which I hand to him), closes the door and then presses the START button when I lift him up. He appears quite satisfied and pleased with himself every time he completes this very important task.

There are no words to describe how this little munchkin melts my heart!

Until next time...

The formula is gone and the 5 AM cries for milk have dropped to once or twice a week, so I decided it was time to sterilize and pack up the bottles. I will never forget the days I was washing all of them twice a day - that's 36 parts in total, every time! It'll also be nice to put the drying rack away and get some of my counter space back.

Felix's milk intake overall has dropped a lot in the past couple of weeks. He's still in the normal range, but it's good to know he's eating enough at mealtime to satisfy himself and not looking to sippies or bottles for comfort.

He has also learned how to weigh his options before making a move. Yesterday I got to daycare to pick him up right when his favorite big kid, Allan, got there. Felix was SO excited to see him, but then I walked in, so there he sat in the middle of the living room trying to decide who to go to. After looking back and forth between us, he crawled as fast as he could to Allan and gave his legs a hug. Then he spun around and came over to me with a huge smile on his face.

Last night we were shopping for summer pajamas and I picked out two cute options, one with a dinosaur and one with Cookie Monster. I held them up for Felix to choose. He looked back and forth between them, then got a huge smile on his face and said "Dat!" while lunging for the dino jammies. 

A fellow SMC blogger with a boy just a littler younger than Felix gave me the idea to read Happiest Toddler on the Block, so I ordered it for my Nook this week. We're not having any issues, but I still think it could be a helpful resource as Felix gets more independent and certain about what he likes and doesn't like. I'll recap it here later.

A Real Life Soap Opera

I’ve been a member of the Single Mom by Choice community for many years. For most of us, it feels like becoming a mom took for-EV-er, considering we didn’t just hop in bed with a guy to get pregnant.

But I think the record holder for actual wait time is a woman named Stacy. She has been trying to become a mom since 2006, and the tragedies she has endured are unfathomable:

• She has gone through all kinds of fertility treatments using a donor, which led to multiple miscarriages and ultimately an emergency hysterectomy.
• She hired a surrogate who ended up taking the baby and going into hiding. The surrogate later sued the sperm donor for child support and won. (Seriously!) Stacy exhausted her legal options before finally letting go.
• She went through IVF prep and egg retrieval and again found surrogates to carry for her. The result was one miscarriage, two failed cycles and a cancelled cycle.
• She had a failed adoption last summer right after Felix was born. Three days before the baby was due, the parents changed their minds.

Almost $100,000 later, Stacy still can’t call herself a mom.

I wish her story was a joke...

She has an active home study and is focusing on adopting through an affordable agency, but she needs all the help she can get. I would love for her story to get picked up by a talk show or fall into the lap of a generous donor so she can make this happen. Please take a look at her page and share this post!