You Can't Prove Anything

This afternoon we went to a new park. The only other kids at the playground were three girls, ranging in age from about 10 - 15.

The youngest girl told the others, "My mom's in prison for 3 years, and my dad's in jail." They didn't act surprised or ask why. They went on to talk about how "bad" their houses were, comparing who had the smallest, who rented apartments and who rented "a real house". Another girl said they only had a one-bedroom apartment, so her mom and step dad put her bed in the living room. The girl with the real house conceded it was tiny and not very good.

They also talked about who was the poorest. The oldest girl said that the (raggedy) outfit she had on was "my nicest outfit" and named where she got each piece - all hand-me-down or thrift store. None of the conversation seemed to be for pity or shock value, and there was no melodrama. It was just normal conversation.

At one point, Felix wanted to walk across a large grassy area. I could still see my purse and Jayda leashed to the park bench, so I kept an eye on them while we walked. As we got farther away, I noticed the girls milling around my purse and it made me nervous, so I picked up Felix and headed back.

Then I noticed the girls petting Jayda, and suddenly she was off leash and running like a bat out of hell across the park. I managed to catch her and looked up toward the girls. Their reaction surprised me. They immediately turned their backs and started to wander off in three different directions, as though they hadn't seen what happened (let alone possibly caused it).

I was kneeling with one hand on Jayda's collar and Felix on my hip, both squirming like mad. I hollered to the girls, "BRING ME HER LEASH!" They looked surprised and then quickly worked together to get it off the bench and bring it to me. They sort of weakly explained "She just suddenly got loose..." Which I believe, because her leash has come apart in the past.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I wonder if the girls' reaction is the product of growing up with adults who don't take responsibility for themselves. "I'll just turn my back and maybe the problem will go away..." I would expect anyone, upon accidentally releasing a dog from its leash, to try and catch it. I'd even expect most people to help a mom struggling with a toddler and a loose dog, regardless of how the situation came about. But for some reason, these girls decided the best plan was to pretend it never happened. Huh.

Jayda snoozing in the back seat after a camping trip earlier this summer.

  
For the record, I asked my friend's 13 year old daughter what she'd do if she accidentally let a stranger's dog off leash, and she said she'd call the dog and try to get it to come back. 

Jayda has a strong prey drive and is very difficult to catch! See her run in this short video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrJm2bfZbRg

I Am Who I Am

It’s a big week here. Felix has passed the self-awareness test! This means he fully understands he is his own person, and he knows he’s looking at himself in a mirror (not some other friendly kid). He has a pumpkin headband he loves to play with, and I noticed he was looking at his reflection in the sliding glass door to make sure he put it on straight. Then last night, he put it on and pointed to the mirror so I’d hold him up. When he saw his reflection, he reached up to his own head to adjust the headband.

Hey handsome!

It’s neat watching such a simple brain function kick in – just 2 weeks ago he didn’t realize he was looking at himself. According to a few sources, about 50% of toddlers will be self-aware by 18 months, and 65% by 24 months. If you have a little one in this age range, Google “self-awareness tests” for some fun ways to test.

In other growing-up news, Felix is starting his bilingual preschool on November 1st. He’ll go one day a week to start, and I’m excited for him to start having a little more structure in his schedule. Don’t get me wrong, cars are great! But I’m sure he will enjoy something other than playing with cars for 6 hours at daycare and another 2 or 3 hours at home.

Change is in the Air

It was a whirlwind of a week. On Monday, I interviewed for a Director of Marketing and Communications position. On Monday afternoon, I was called back for a second interview. Wednesday, about 90 seconds after leaving the second interview, I was offered the position. Yeah!

The offer was contingent upon my current employer providing a positive reference, which I knew would not be a problem. It meant I had to rush back to the office, break the news I’d be leaving after more than 3 ½ years, and then put my boss in touch with the new employer. It felt a little “fake”, making all these big plans before the news had really sunk in. But it’s real, and my start date is November 4th. My coworkers gave me lots of congrats and a few asked if I'd been headhunted, which I took as a compliment.

I could not be more excited about this opportunity. It’s exactly what I was looking for in terms of career advancement, with a fantastic organization I’ve been familiar with for years. The type of work, the hours, the location, the benefits, everything is great. I’ll also be working alongside women more senior than myself, which will be a first for me. Hard to believe, isn’t it? Or maybe not so much. 

The stars really aligned this time. The guy who left the position put in a good word for me during his exit interview. He and I met through his wife about 4 years ago when I was volunteering on a local community health initiative. Also, I tried a new resume format which allowed me to highlight accomplishments without making the reader go through all my work history. 

Coincidentally, the new employer recently hired an ad agency led by someone I worked with in advertising about 5 years ago, and he also put in a good word for me after my first interview. Finally, I will have two salespeople who report to me, so it was perfect to be able to mention I teach a Professional Selling course, and I was able to answer their hypothetical sales questions well. I couldn’t have scripted a better combination of events.

My coworkers jokingly asked if I was going to bail right away, and I answered honestly – I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I did that! I’m definitely feeling the rush to tie things up at my current job so I don’t leave them hanging, and I had a couple of crappy nights of sleep this week as a result. Today I’m finally able to slow down, organize, and look forward without worrying. I hope they/we hire my replacement soon so I can spend a few days getting the new person up to speed. 

Tomorrow Felix and I are going to the pumpkin patch with our Babies & Tots group. I scheduled a weekend outing for working parents and we have 10 signed up, so it should be lots of fun.

Not eating cat food. Just watching...I promise.

He has the smiliest eyes.

Walk to the Park

Our closest neighborhood park is 1.3 miles from the house, on the other side of a 5-lane avenue that makes us go 4 blocks out of our way to reach a crosswalk. Sometimes after dinner, I’ll load up Felix and the dog and walk over so we can all get a little exercise and fresh air.

After crossing the biggest street, the neighborhood we have to walk through is quite a sight. It’s made of about one-third updated, beautiful old homes, and about two-thirds (what look like) meth labs and random garages with chain-link fenced front yards and “BEWARE OF DOG” signs.

Taken from Google images because I didn't want to pull out my camera!

The typical passerby is a grown man in a dirty tank top riding a boy’s bike, cigarette dangling from one hand. Or someone walking suspiciously slowly down the street, like they’re out of it or up to no good (or both). Then just as I start to think maybe I shouldn’t have walked, I’ll be greeted by a lovely lady working in her perfect garden, wearing a cute coordinated outfit and smiling from ear to ear.

As we move through the neighborhood, we set off all the dogs. Chihuahuas go crazy scraping at the windows to get at us; pit bull types charge their chain link fences with warning barks. And there’s always a little white stubby-legged dog, off-leash, that runs to the sidewalk throwing a massive fit with all his might. But he backs up a little with each bark, so I figure he’s more scared of us than we are of him.

Finally we make it to the next major crossroad, and it’s like another world. There’s a large Mormon church surrounded by a perfectly manicured lawn and cute homes. When we get to the park, it’s full of soccer moms and organized sports and kids playing tag on the playground.

Felix always  has a great time playing on the toys and meeting other kids, but we rarely have more than 15 minutes before we have to head back so we can get home before dark. It's always quite the adventure.

The Wrong Kind of Praise

This weekend Felix and I were thrift store shopping when we ran into an acquaintance we hadn’t seen since last spring. She was working so we chatted briefly about Halloween costumes and the perfect Fix-It Felix shoes I’d just found for $2. She leaned down to Felix and told him how big he was getting, then got a really serious tone in her voice and said to me, “Well, good for you. Really, it’s just so great you’re doing this.”

At first I thought, Umm, most parents shop for their kids’ Halloween costumes…then I realized she meant the adoption. Almost like I’d volunteered to dog walk for the local shelter, or collect cans of food for the food bank. I didn’t know what to say so I just sort of ended the conversation with a smile and “Well, good to see you!”

Later that night, someone shared a related blog post in my online adoption group. There’s a “Christian Adoption Movement” that has backfired in some ways. For example, parents wanting to save children from poverty in Guatemala led to healthy, wanted infants being stolen from their mothers and sold on the black market, which eventually led to ban on U.S. residents adopting from Guatemala. The author sort of vents and doesn’t make her case clearly in some areas, but the general sentiment is correct. People should adopt because they want to be parents, not because they want to “save” a child from the life he or she was born into. When parents go into savior mode, they are often disappointed by the lack of reverence and gratitude the “saved” children display.

I think some hopeful adoptive parents feel selfish saying they want to adopt simply because they want a child. They feel like they should have other motivating factors (like saving a sick or unwanted child from poverty), and this makes them feel like they should be open to any type of child or birth situation, even the ones truly outside their comfort zones. And then you end up with extreme cases of older children being returned to their home countries because the adoptive parents couldn’t cope, and couldn’t figure out why their love wasn’t enough to overcome.

I didn’t save Felix from anything. I don’t consider his adoption a charitable action, and it makes me really uncomfortable to receive praise for it. I adopted because I wanted to be a parent, and I had very specific limits on situations I would consider. I definitely had to get over the guilt factor of excluding certain situations on my agency application, but I’m glad I was honest with myself and didn’t fall into the “savior trap”. Felix’s birth mom was unbelievably strong and generous to place him with me. She never said why, just that she knew he’d be in good hands (her words). I figure she knew she was at her limit with regard to parenting, probably from a resource standpoint. But she wasn’t homeless or crazy or a teenager or any of the other things people might assume about birth moms. It was her choice to place him, and there was no shortage of love for him.

So, what is the right kind of praise to give an adoptive parent? The same kind of praise you’d give any other parent. Tell me about how sweet my son is around babies, how he pointed out that airplane you totally would have missed, how it’s amazing (and I’m lucky) that he can sleep anywhere, or how patient and quiet he was on the airplane, or bus or while waiting in line for the Space Needle. Tell me you’re impressed by the fact that we eat dinner together (almost) every night and my son has clean clothes every day, even when I’m wearing my work-provided logo shirt because I’m out of clean laundry. Those are the times I will smile and say “Thanks!” 

You can check out the aforementioned post here: http://rachelsblatherings.blogspot.com/2011/06/so-you-want-to-adopt-please-dont.html

Mini Updates

Running – Felix has been practicing running lately. He’ll find something soft like the couch or a blanket, then “run” as fast as he can toward it until he crashes. It’s funny and he’s happily exhausted after about half an hour. Sometimes he’ll run and crash into me instead.

No time for pictures, gotta run!

Independence – More than a week ago, Felix decided he doesn’t need me to rock him to sleep anymore. After brushing teeth and reading stories, he gets squirmy and pushes off me. So I started laying him in his bed where he stretches out and falls asleep without a peep.

Moving – Listing my house has been postponed another 6 months. Financially things are good, but I hope to be even better off this spring. I’m also concerned with the lack of inventory right now (there are virtually no houses I’m excited about) and a neighbor has been trying to sell his place for a couple of months with no luck. Granted,his townhouse smells like cigarette smoke, but I still feel like the market has slowed down as it always does this time of year.

Cleaning – I cleaned and “staged” every room last week to get listing photos while the trees are still green, and decided to start a cleaning schedule as well. So far, so good. It’s nice to come home and know I only have to tackle one room because the others will get their turns. Before, I’d go into cleaning mode and end up in a never-ending night of laundry and dishes with Felix feeling ignored. We’ll see how long it lasts. I also bought a Groupon and scheduled the company to come next week and do a deep clean in the kitchen and bathrooms. 

School – Class continues to go really well. I think I accidentally chose the perfect time to start teaching. The days are getting shorter, so I’m more likely to want to stay indoors after work, and Felix goes to bed around 8, leaving me with plenty of time to prep lessons and grade papers. I’m getting to know my students better and I’m figuring out how to fill class time and keep them interested. Last week we analyzed the sales pitches in an episode of Shark Tank and some students actually high-fived each other when I announced what we’d be doing that day.

Halloween – I’ve decided to be Lois Griffin for Halloween this year. Two years ago I couldn’t decide between Lois and Meg, but went as Meg, which was a huge hit. I found an awesome Stewie doll to carry around and it will be here in a few days. Felix is going as Fix-It Felix and his cousin will be Wreck-It Ralph from the Disney movie. Now we just need to line up some parties so we can wear our costumes more than once.

Hanging out at the mall playground.

Bonus Summer Days

All is well here. So many friends and fellow SMCs are dealing with unfair sh*t right now, I think I'm developing a form of survivor's guilt. It seems frivolous to post about "nothing", but I'm very thankful all I have is nothing!

After a summer of record heat (70 days over 90 degrees), it continues to be very warm here. The air has cleared from earlier fires, so I've been able to get out for more bike rides and walks in the evenings. Felix and I have enjoyed a number of days where we drive downtown, park, and wander the city for a good part of the day. Between festivals, markets and sporting events, there's always something to do.

My parents got us a ticket to the game Friday night, and we had a blast! It started out hot, hot, hot, rained during halftime, and ended with a gorgeous dark blue sky (and a big win for BSU.) Felix did amazingly well, sitting patiently with us and even napping during the first quarter. Seriously, the kid can sleep anywhere.

Grandma was there too, my arm just wasn't long enough!

Grandpa putting a hoodie on a rain-soaked Felix.

No filters needed when you live in Boise.

I also took Felix bowling for the first time this weekend, and after pushing the ball once, he wanted nothing to do with it. Every time it was his turn, he'd melt into a whiny pile in my arms and refuse to go near the ball. He spent his time toddling around the video arcade and eating tater tots. Hmm. Who knows! Maybe we'll try again in 6 months.

I'm still on the fence about selling my house, but will decide during the last week of September whether to list now or in the spring. There are pros and cons either way, but this weekend I cleaned, staged and started taking pictures while there are still leafy trees outside the windows. Just two rooms (and the uninspired exterior) left and I can check that off my list.

Eating a muffin with a fork - he asks for silverware at every meal now.

And finally, in a remarkably quick turn of events, my friend with breast cancer is 99.9% cancer free! :) She's going through some radiation to reduce the odds of recurrence, but no further surgery or treatment will be required. If you need some motivation to stay on top of your own breast health, check out her latest post. (My mammogram came back a-okay, fyi.)