The Wrong Kind of Praise

This weekend Felix and I were thrift store shopping when we ran into an acquaintance we hadn’t seen since last spring. She was working so we chatted briefly about Halloween costumes and the perfect Fix-It Felix shoes I’d just found for $2. She leaned down to Felix and told him how big he was getting, then got a really serious tone in her voice and said to me, “Well, good for you. Really, it’s just so great you’re doing this.”

At first I thought, Umm, most parents shop for their kids’ Halloween costumes…then I realized she meant the adoption. Almost like I’d volunteered to dog walk for the local shelter, or collect cans of food for the food bank. I didn’t know what to say so I just sort of ended the conversation with a smile and “Well, good to see you!”

Later that night, someone shared a related blog post in my online adoption group. There’s a “Christian Adoption Movement” that has backfired in some ways. For example, parents wanting to save children from poverty in Guatemala led to healthy, wanted infants being stolen from their mothers and sold on the black market, which eventually led to ban on U.S. residents adopting from Guatemala. The author sort of vents and doesn’t make her case clearly in some areas, but the general sentiment is correct. People should adopt because they want to be parents, not because they want to “save” a child from the life he or she was born into. When parents go into savior mode, they are often disappointed by the lack of reverence and gratitude the “saved” children display.

I think some hopeful adoptive parents feel selfish saying they want to adopt simply because they want a child. They feel like they should have other motivating factors (like saving a sick or unwanted child from poverty), and this makes them feel like they should be open to any type of child or birth situation, even the ones truly outside their comfort zones. And then you end up with extreme cases of older children being returned to their home countries because the adoptive parents couldn’t cope, and couldn’t figure out why their love wasn’t enough to overcome.

I didn’t save Felix from anything. I don’t consider his adoption a charitable action, and it makes me really uncomfortable to receive praise for it. I adopted because I wanted to be a parent, and I had very specific limits on situations I would consider. I definitely had to get over the guilt factor of excluding certain situations on my agency application, but I’m glad I was honest with myself and didn’t fall into the “savior trap”. Felix’s birth mom was unbelievably strong and generous to place him with me. She never said why, just that she knew he’d be in good hands (her words). I figure she knew she was at her limit with regard to parenting, probably from a resource standpoint. But she wasn’t homeless or crazy or a teenager or any of the other things people might assume about birth moms. It was her choice to place him, and there was no shortage of love for him.

So, what is the right kind of praise to give an adoptive parent? The same kind of praise you’d give any other parent. Tell me about how sweet my son is around babies, how he pointed out that airplane you totally would have missed, how it’s amazing (and I’m lucky) that he can sleep anywhere, or how patient and quiet he was on the airplane, or bus or while waiting in line for the Space Needle. Tell me you’re impressed by the fact that we eat dinner together (almost) every night and my son has clean clothes every day, even when I’m wearing my work-provided logo shirt because I’m out of clean laundry. Those are the times I will smile and say “Thanks!” 

You can check out the aforementioned post here: http://rachelsblatherings.blogspot.com/2011/06/so-you-want-to-adopt-please-dont.html

Mini Updates

Running – Felix has been practicing running lately. He’ll find something soft like the couch or a blanket, then “run” as fast as he can toward it until he crashes. It’s funny and he’s happily exhausted after about half an hour. Sometimes he’ll run and crash into me instead.

No time for pictures, gotta run!

Independence – More than a week ago, Felix decided he doesn’t need me to rock him to sleep anymore. After brushing teeth and reading stories, he gets squirmy and pushes off me. So I started laying him in his bed where he stretches out and falls asleep without a peep.

Moving – Listing my house has been postponed another 6 months. Financially things are good, but I hope to be even better off this spring. I’m also concerned with the lack of inventory right now (there are virtually no houses I’m excited about) and a neighbor has been trying to sell his place for a couple of months with no luck. Granted,his townhouse smells like cigarette smoke, but I still feel like the market has slowed down as it always does this time of year.

Cleaning – I cleaned and “staged” every room last week to get listing photos while the trees are still green, and decided to start a cleaning schedule as well. So far, so good. It’s nice to come home and know I only have to tackle one room because the others will get their turns. Before, I’d go into cleaning mode and end up in a never-ending night of laundry and dishes with Felix feeling ignored. We’ll see how long it lasts. I also bought a Groupon and scheduled the company to come next week and do a deep clean in the kitchen and bathrooms. 

School – Class continues to go really well. I think I accidentally chose the perfect time to start teaching. The days are getting shorter, so I’m more likely to want to stay indoors after work, and Felix goes to bed around 8, leaving me with plenty of time to prep lessons and grade papers. I’m getting to know my students better and I’m figuring out how to fill class time and keep them interested. Last week we analyzed the sales pitches in an episode of Shark Tank and some students actually high-fived each other when I announced what we’d be doing that day.

Halloween – I’ve decided to be Lois Griffin for Halloween this year. Two years ago I couldn’t decide between Lois and Meg, but went as Meg, which was a huge hit. I found an awesome Stewie doll to carry around and it will be here in a few days. Felix is going as Fix-It Felix and his cousin will be Wreck-It Ralph from the Disney movie. Now we just need to line up some parties so we can wear our costumes more than once.

Hanging out at the mall playground.

Bonus Summer Days

All is well here. So many friends and fellow SMCs are dealing with unfair sh*t right now, I think I'm developing a form of survivor's guilt. It seems frivolous to post about "nothing", but I'm very thankful all I have is nothing!

After a summer of record heat (70 days over 90 degrees), it continues to be very warm here. The air has cleared from earlier fires, so I've been able to get out for more bike rides and walks in the evenings. Felix and I have enjoyed a number of days where we drive downtown, park, and wander the city for a good part of the day. Between festivals, markets and sporting events, there's always something to do.

My parents got us a ticket to the game Friday night, and we had a blast! It started out hot, hot, hot, rained during halftime, and ended with a gorgeous dark blue sky (and a big win for BSU.) Felix did amazingly well, sitting patiently with us and even napping during the first quarter. Seriously, the kid can sleep anywhere.

Grandma was there too, my arm just wasn't long enough!

Grandpa putting a hoodie on a rain-soaked Felix.

No filters needed when you live in Boise.

I also took Felix bowling for the first time this weekend, and after pushing the ball once, he wanted nothing to do with it. Every time it was his turn, he'd melt into a whiny pile in my arms and refuse to go near the ball. He spent his time toddling around the video arcade and eating tater tots. Hmm. Who knows! Maybe we'll try again in 6 months.

I'm still on the fence about selling my house, but will decide during the last week of September whether to list now or in the spring. There are pros and cons either way, but this weekend I cleaned, staged and started taking pictures while there are still leafy trees outside the windows. Just two rooms (and the uninspired exterior) left and I can check that off my list.

Eating a muffin with a fork - he asks for silverware at every meal now.

And finally, in a remarkably quick turn of events, my friend with breast cancer is 99.9% cancer free! :) She's going through some radiation to reduce the odds of recurrence, but no further surgery or treatment will be required. If you need some motivation to stay on top of your own breast health, check out her latest post. (My mammogram came back a-okay, fyi.)

The C Word

A second friend of mine has been diagnosed with breast cancer. And by friend, I don't mean 60-year-old friend of the family. I mean someone roughly my age, and that's pretty damn scary. Thankfully she is extremely proactive, knew her risk factors and voluntarily met with a genetic counselor, so it was caught very early and treatment should be simple. But still. This shit is real.

Another friend diagnosed last year had a rare, aggressive type that they treated with tons of chemo and radiation, plus a double mastectomy. She came through it all like a champ, but I'm not sure how many years need to pass before she will officially be considered in the clear.

The "1 in 8" stat has always sounded scary, I just didn't think the 1s would start in my thirties.

By chance, my first mammogram is scheduled for tomorrow. Thankfully my risk factors are extremely low, and my doctor just wants a baseline now for future reference. It's covered thanks to Obamacare, so why wouldn't I? I did some research today on what to expect, and the #1 fear people have is that it will reveal a serious problem. That's a silly (and perhaps eventually self-fulfilling) reason not to go.

__________________________

In Felix news, he's doing as great as ever. He's a confident walker and even tries running sometimes. He's starting to say words with multiple syllables, like water, bubbles and banana. Yazmin says he told her thank you many times today, and I've heard a few "tay-cues" myself. He always likes to whisper new words the first few times, then ends up shouting them when he gets really excited. Last night I took a couple of bites of his banana, and the ripeness made me squirm and do a little dance (I prefer green bananas). Felix thought that was just hilarious and started shouting BA-NAH-NAH! BA-NAH-NAH! with a huge silly grin on his face.

He brought me ponytail holders, so he got ponytails!

Grandpa and Baby Bed Head at an early morning hot air balloon launch (on game day).

Overbooked

Last week was my last week of “summer vacation”, if you can call it that. And I managed to way overbook myself. In addition to a full work week, I scheduled two evening photo shoots for work, had a teacher orientation one evening, Felix’s well baby appointment one morning, and I had signed up to make and deliver two meals for moms with new babies in my Meetup group. Um, what was I thinking?

I put a couple hundred miles on my car when all was said and done, but thanks to a flexible work schedule, our new babysitter and a friend, everything went off without a hitch. I was even pretty proud of the colorful little meals I threw together – hummus, pita, Greek olives, feta cheese, grape tomatoes and sliced cucumber (I peeled stripes into them for fanciness), and mini Cokes. I remembered that when there’s a new baby, even having someone else wash and dice your veggies can be a huge help.

By Friday I was SO ready to crash. We took it easy all weekend, spending lots of time playing outside with cousins. On Saturday afternoon we went to the fair, where Felix ate his first churro and went on his first carnival ride. He did great on the ride, and by the last couple of laps, he and cousin Hayden were both waving "bye bye" to all the people we were passing.

Sweet cousins in the sand box.

He didn't hate it, but didn't love it, either.

So tired at the end of the fair outing, but not willing to part with the churro.

His 15 month stats are right on track. His head growth is slowing ever so slightly (still top of the charts), and he had another growth spurt and is back in the 50th percentile for height. His weight is mid-range as usual. 

My school schedule started this week and so far, so good. I’m really enjoying my class and love that it gives me something to do with my brain in the evening, especially with shorter days coming up. It’s so easy to spend 4 hours watching reality TV, but having lessons to prepare gets me off the couch and into thinking mode. The only bummer is the Monday commute from campus to my parents’ house, but I’m thankful they are able to pick up Felix and watch him, so it’s not a bad deal at all.

Summer Vacation - Seattle!

Felix and I recently spent a wonderful long weekend in sunny Seattle – that’s right, sunny! I planned our trip for August hoping for good weather, and it paid off.

Landed in Seattle.

Day 1

Our flight there was on time and uneventful. Felix fell asleep right after takeoff, and woke in time to have a snack before we landed. We were the only ones on our “shared shuttle” so we got door-to-door service from the airport to our friend’s house.

The house was so cute, located in North Seattle, totally kid-proofed and full of fun toys. The yard was lush and also full of toys, with a nice patio. They also have cable TV so I indulged in some Sex and the City and Frasier reruns. Oh, and our friends were out of town, so we had the place to ourselves! It was so, so much better than the nicest hotel or B&B would have been.

Other people's toys are the best!

We dropped off our luggage and hurried to catch an express bus downtown. We visited Pike Place Market, had lunch and went to the aquarium. Felix fell asleep and woke up with that “overdone” look on his face. So we took a break while I charged my iPhone in a quiet spot at the aquarium and he played with his souvenir slinky till he was a little more relaxed and acting like himself. Then we did a one-hour harbor boat tour before catching another bus back to the house. I made the mistake of stopping for milk and wine and taking a different bus back, which meant me pushing Felix and the heavy beverages uphill about 1/3 mile. I didn’t take that route again!

He loved crawling around the boat and looking out the windows.

Day 2

On Friday, I didn’t plan anything more than going to the zoo. It took two bus rides to get there and I wanted plenty of break time if needed, since I had to hold Felix on the buses and it was very challenging at times. He had a mini-meltdown on the first bus, so I got off at Pike Place Market and had some amazing bakery goodies from Three Girls Bakery while he napped. We eventually made it to the zoo and had a great time. There were so many more animals than what we usually see. When it was time for lunch, I opted for a grilled salmon sandwich over pad thai, thanks to the advice of a fellow SMC.

Very interested in the gorillas!

On the way back to the house, we got off near the university to check out all the random shops and have some frozen yogurt. Gotta love reliable, frequent public transportation.

Day 3

Saturday we headed to the Seattle Center and spent the whole day there. On the bus, I had to move his stroller to accommodate a woman in a wheelchair (and her companion) and we chatted for a bit. The Seattle Center is a really nice walkable campus with the Pacific Science Center, Space Needle, EMP Museum, International Fountain and other fun things. Felix loved the water table and tot area at PCS, and we did a “Preschool Trip to the Moon” class in the planetarium. The EMP was perfect for nap time, since they have a really sweet horror movie exhibit and Women Who Rock exhibit with stage outfits for famous female performers. 

Playing a piano with special sound effects at PCS.

The giant water table was so much fun.

Horror movie weapons on display; tap the screen to watch the scene.
Pictured here is the axe from The Shining and the face grabber from Alien.

A the top of the Space Needle. He later did downward dog on the South marker.

We met some friends for lunch and it was really nice to have some grown-up conversation. On the way home, imagine our surprise to find the same woman and her companion waiting at the bus stop with us! We thought it was quite the coincidence and talked more – turns out she’s a well-known choreographer visiting from Scotland. Just goes to show you really can't judge a book by its cover!

Day 4

On Sunday we woke up early to put the house back together and walk to a nearby Starbucks for breakfast. The airport shuttle was picking us up at 9:30, but I always like my last day of vacation to still feel a little like vacation. The Starbucks didn’t have any high chairs, so Felix got muffin crumbs and milk all over a leather couch. (Seriously, who doesn’t have high chairs?) But we had a good time, and the walk was nice.

Our flight home was as uneventful as the flight there. Both ways, we had to walk out on to the tarmac to board our plane, so Felix got to see lots of giant trucks and airplanes up close, which was really cool. 

Before the trip, I picked up a CityPASS which gave me deeply discounted admission to all the major Seattle attractions. It was nice to pay for that ahead of time and not have to worry about whether I should pay to get in to every neat place I found. They have CityPASS for quite a few major cities and I would highly recommend getting one for anyone who’s going to travel for fun.

Single vs. Single

We had an interesting and somewhat heated discussion on my SMC list recently. The topic was single parent stats, and how it’s usually reported that kids from single-parent homes do worse in school/get into more trouble/become teen parents/scary stat of the week.

I have to admit I get frustrated with SMCs who get upset about these reports. I think they take them too personally. There aren’t enough of us to dent the statistics, and sadly, the number of parents in the home can still be an accurate predictor of a child’s success in some cases. But it doesn’t bother me because I know I’m not part of the single parent demographic they’re referring to when they talk about expected failures. In fact, I've never been able to indicate on a form that I’m a single mom by choice, so I know I'm not being counted. (Even Felix’s birth certificate says “unknown” in the Father space, because there is no other option.)

So far, I think I'm doing an OK job!

I also argue that we should look at education levels, income, community/extended family and overall stability of the household to predict success. Single, coupled, straight, gay, cohabitating doesn’t matter as much as those other factors.

Some of the moms on the SMC list took offense to me saying I don’t lump myself in with other single parents, because aside from age and marital status, I don’t have anything in common with them. And the truth is, I don't want to call attention to the fact that I'm a single mom because of all the baggage that comes along with it. In professional settings, I don't mention my son because I'm not wearing a ring and I've experienced the negative consequences of other people's assumptions. One SMC argued we should "stand up and be counted", but I don't see the point in that. I'm not going to martyr myself for statistics. I'd rather influence those I meet one by one and save my public voice for other matters. 

I looked into a single parent Meetup group in my area and the group description echoed what I’ve heard from my friends who are single parents (not by choice). They struggle with separation, divorce, unpaid child support and missing their kids when they’re away. They also have different priorities, like coordinating their weeks off so they can go to Vegas or on a cruise, or downtown drinking and dancing. To each her own, but statistically it is not accurate to consider us the same types of families. And that’s not even considering the financial support other single parents get (or need or expect) from their exes. 

Hence not getting worked up about reports that tell us how damaging single-parent households can be.

Anyway, Felix and I finally attended a single parent family Meetup event last weekend. I tried to strike up conversations with a few people but no one was very talkative – certainly not like my babies & tots Meetup group I love so much. Two people sitting right next to my blanket talked to each other the whole time and didn’t ever ask me anything. They were talking about someone’s daughter meeting her dad’s new girlfriend and how difficult that was, so I didn't chime in. I kept glancing over thinking they’d change the topic and introduce themselves, but no luck. So Felix and I ate and swam and had a decent time. Ironically, I received about 8 electronic “It was nice to meet you!” messages through the website after the event, from people I hadn’t actually met. I thought that was odd. Then last night I received a notice that I’d been removed from the group. Okay then! I guess I was supposed to “like” everybody back through the website?

Fortunately we aren’t lacking for family and friends so it not a big deal. We just had a wonderful mini-vacation in Seattle made possible by our amazing network. I’ll blog about that adventure soon!