I didn't have a budget or style of jewelry in mind, so I just sort of wandered the cases to see what caught my eye. I was looking at some pretty emerald earrings when I realized, I don't know if her ears are pierced. And it sort of hit me that she's really a stranger to us, and that seems so sad and wrong.
When I started the adoption journey, the idea of an open adoption scared me. I wouldn't have turned down a match over it, but I was relieved by the little contact Felix's birth mom was requesting. That has all changed now. Maybe as a result of talking to other adoptive families, or watching The Baby Wait, or my own growth into the role of a parent. Either way, I wish she was a part of our lives. I wish she was coming to his birthday party.
I send updates through the agency every few months and it kills me not knowing if she's actually receiving them. Apparently she has chosen not to send anything back. I would love to have a private email address or Facebook page to interact with her instead. I made a birth story book for Felix for his birthday, but the only picture I have of him with her is very low-res, his back is to the camera and you can barely see the side of her face. The agency coordinator took some, but hasn't been able to download them from her camera. (Seriously.)
Ironically, as I long for more openness with birth mom, I am sharing our adoption story less and less with people I meet. It's definitely becoming more Felix's story and less mine. (And I have to admit, all the questions get exhausting.) This has led to some very confusing conversations, because I forget new people don't know. One recent exchange went like this:
- Do you speak Spanish because of your husband?
- Oh, no, I'm not married.
- Oh, uh, sorry! Is he in Mexico? (Head nod toward Felix.)
- (Totally confused for a moment, then I remember I mentioned living in Mexico and have to backtrack and clear it all up.)
Tonight I ended up finding a really pretty necklace with three connected hearts. The hearts on the top and bottom are silver with diamond accents, and the one in the middle is a darker color (rose gold overlay?) I was able to purchase a 2-year protection plan for it, and the saleswoman started asking all kinds of questions. What's her phone number? Uh, I don't have that. Her address? Nope. Full name? I know it, but only because the hospital forgot to black it out on Felix's wristband. What's her zip code? I could Google it. Should I just use your information? Uh, no...
Six months ago, I would have volunteered the whole situation and all the details, but not tonight. I'm sure she was totally confused about why I had no idea who this lovely necklace is for, but that's a mystery she'll just have to live with.
Felix was extra patient and quiet throughout the evening. His reward was a bit of free time to roam and bang metal fixtures while the lady packaged up the necklace.
.JPG) |
| If you ever want the mall to yourself, go on a Tuesday evening. |
The bridges you are building now may very well not be crossed until later down the road. Especially if she is quite young now. As an outsider looking in, you're doing an amazing job. You should be so proud of the mom you are...you're an inspiration to Felix and so many others.
ReplyDeleteThank you. :) His birth mom is actually a little older than I am, and grew up not far from here, so that's probably part of the reason why I feel like I should know her better than I do.
DeleteI hear you on the questions issues. Two days ago I was asked by a medical professional if Isaac has any siblings. I responded by saying no, but that he has a bunch of half siblings. Then I realized that made it sound like his dad sleeps around a ton! So, I then blurted out the whole donor thing...she didn't exactly know how to respond to that!
ReplyDeleteHmm, yeah, that's not an easy one to answer. "Yes, but not in our home" and "Yes, but he's never met them" sounds weird. If someone asked me in passing, I'd just say no. But if there were medical reasons behind the question, I'd have to elaborate, I think.
DeleteI did have one young boy at daycare ask if I grew Felix in my tummy. I said no, he grew in his birth mom's tummy, and that was the end of that conversation.
Ali's comment cracks me up. It's good to maintain a sense of humor about all this.
ReplyDeleteI really love the description of the necklace you got for birth-mom. Even if she tucks it away, I will bet it and the sentiment that goes along with it are going to touch her heart.
Yesterday when I picked up Fiona at preschool a little girl said "Where is Fiona's Dad?" I replied that she didn't have one and I had Fiona all on my own. She said "that's sad." I replied "oh do you think so? We love our family just the way it is?" She ran off, and the parent in the corner of the room pretended not to hear. Yes, I agree, it can be totally exhausting!
I'm glad I have women like you helping pave the way on all these questions!
Delete